It’s like we’ve opened some surreal pigskin vortex, a black hole to the 2010 days of Iron Bowl lunacy.
Ohio State and Michigan, everyone, look a whole lot like Alabama and Auburn.
Everywhere you look, the beautiful, fanatical symphony of Southern stupidity that played out on a daily basis between the Tide and Tigers, has eerily shifted to present day Midwest madness.
Somewhere in the great gridiron in the sky, the Almighty has given Harvey Updyke a hall pass to watch this lunacy play out.
A dyed-in-the-houndstooth Alabama fan, Updyke famously said, “I got too much Bama in me” when asked why he poisoned the 80-year-old oak trees at Toomer’s Corner after Auburn’s national title.
Which is sort of like Connor Stalions telling the NCAA to go scratch when asked about his advanced scouting scheme after Michigan’s national championship season of 2023.
Updyke brazenly called Finebaum and admitted the dastardly deed. Stalions called Netflix and got paid to say nothing about cheating.
Same deal, different eras.
Alabama won a national title in 2009, and Auburn got so desperate, it – ahem, allegedly – paid top-dollar to sign quarterback Cam Newton and ride his uber talents all the way to its first national title since 1957.
Michigan won a national title in 2023, and Ohio State got so desperate that it pushed all-in on a $20 million dollar roster that included starting quarterback Will Howard — who just happened to be the most valuable player of the national championship game.
Rivalries that already were among the nastiest in all of sport, further inflamed with immediacy of social media — and with conference rivals joining the fray to kneecap the king.
Mississippi State (allegedly) ratted out Auburn because it passed on paying Newton $180,000, so Auburn must have paid Newton what he wanted.
The entire Big Ten ratted out Michigan and the Stalions scheme, going as far as sending video proof to the league office.
Auburn won a national title, and lost five games the following season. Michigan did the same.
Alabama won its first national title under Saban, and began an unthinkable run of conference and national titles. Buckeyes coach Ryan Day, if he can beat back the unreasonable Ohio State fans (sound familiar, Alabama?), has more titles in his future.
Round and round we go, and the next thing you know, the pizza guy starts taking strays.
The latest twist to the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry is Barstools Sports founder Dave Portnoy, who was reportedly banned from Ohio Stadium for Saturday’s mega season opener of No. 1 Texas vs. No. 2 Ohio State. It’s the process, not the personality — depending on whom you believe/listen to.
Portnoy is now part of Fox Sports’ Big Noon Kickoff pre-game show, and because he’s a mega Michigan alum/booster – who (allegedly) chipped in a million to help land mega quarterback recruit Bryce Underwood (hello, Cam, circa 2010) – Ohio State wasn’t letting him in the joint to disparage all things scarlet and gray.
But Ohio State says it didn’t ban Portnoy, and blames Fox, which allegedly informed Ohio State that Portnoy was not part of its “main desk” crew. Fox, according to Ohio State, told the university that only its “main desk” would be inside the stadium for the last hour of the show.
So, technically, it wasn’t Ohio State’s decision. Knowing Portnoy is now part of Big Noon Kickoff, Ohio State could have still allowed Portnoy credentialed access to the game.
You say thems the rules, I say the spite is strong at Ohio State.
You don’t really think Ohio State has forgotten about last season in The Shoe, do you? The celebration, the flag planting, the backup Michigan special teamers mocking the O-H-I-O cheer.
Kickers, people. Flippin’ kickers.
You think Ohio State has forgotten how Michigan won the national title in 2023? The hoity-toity Wolverines, looking down at the rest of the Big Ten – especially the hayseeds from Columbus and the Ag school in East Lansing – while lying and cheating their way to their first national title since 1997.
How Michigan strong-armed the NCAA into zero penalties of impact from the Stalions scheme, and allowed coach Sherrone Moore to A.) choose what games he’ll be suspended, and B.) what season he’ll serve them.
Or that Michigan, all offseason, refused to acknowledge the Ohio State national championship. Because, you know, they didn’t beat us — and haven’t since 2019.
Do you really blame Ohio State for blocking Portnoy? I mean, allegedly.
Not long after Ohio State officially said we didn’t do anything, Stalions hopped on the X machine and fired off a three-word post. To Portnoy.
You need tickets?
Same deal, different eras.
Matt Hayes is the senior national college football writer for USA TODAY Sports Network. Follow him on X at @MattHayesCFB.